TNT's New Crime Drama

I wanted to introduce you to this Fall's exhilarating new crime drama, "The Society." I'm still deciding what they main plot is going to be of the drama. I'm thinking something like a sisterhood of women, bent on enforcing the monthly visitations of fellow "sisters." These women create baked goods with a vengeance and show a forceful example to women around the globe by designing elaborate centerpieces and tulle painting. The tagline would be "Bring it."

Perhaps it could be centered around a band of Amazon warriors, destroying evil in all of its various forms and embodiments (usually with rudimentary weaponry like spears, knives, and old loaves of bread).

It could be a crime drama. With the newly bar-passed Jenni on the team, there's no criminal that can withstand the intense stare-downs and mind to mind combat provided by this team of fighters.

Maybe you could come up with some other ideas.

Top Ten Reasons Why a Kick in the Teeth is Better Than Having a Relationship With a Male

I was rummaging through some old photos and paper when I came across this absolute gem! A few years ago, a good friend of mine (by the name of Amy Catale) went out to dinner with me. She confessed that life was not going well for her because this boy she had been dating dumped her rather unceremoniously. No worries, I told her. Making top ten lists is what I do to make myself feel a bit better! So, together we came up with the following list.
It's important to understand that this list was written to comfort a friend. There are times in my life when I find it's handy to take on the role of bitter-spinster-female-hag. It's not a very happy place, but the writing that comes out of it is usually just this side of brilliant!

So, here you go:

Top Ten Reasons Why a Kick in the Teeth is Better Than Having a Relationship With a Male

10. There are possible repercussions for the kicker.

9. A kick in the teeth requires no closure

8. You can't blame yourself for a kick in the teeth. (No really, it's my fault that my teeth got in the way.)

7. Being kicked in the teeth requires no effort on your part.

6. With a kick in the teeth, you're guaranteed at least some physical contact.

5. There is a possibility of getting gold bling (for the record, I absolutely detest that word) if you get kicked in the teeth.

4. There is no injuring of the self-esteem with a kick in the teeth.

3. Being kicked in the teeth will only hurt once.

2. A kick in the teeth will never tell you you're fat, or that it's not you, it's it.

1. Let's face it, who doesn't like a kick in the teeth?

So, that list healed a friend's soul for an evening. Perhaps it has helped yours as well . . .

My Baby
As many of you know, I don't have any children. Don't worry, I'll survive for now.
But even though I have no official offspring, I do have a puppy dog (and you need to know that I refer to all dogs as puppies, regardless of their age or size), named Nadra, that I absolutely adore even though at times she is the bane of my existence. (I hear kids can be like that too.)

Anyway, my dog-baby had her very first professional photo shoot (and when I say professional, I mean done by my roommate. And when I say photo shoot, I mean that Wendy got bored and pulled out her digital camera.)
Now, even though there is a sad lacking of chiffon, lace, or furniture props (I really think it would great if Nadra could be pictured popping out of an Easter egg while balancing a chick on her head) I totally dug the ultra-close-ups. I think this comes from the fact that Nadra is normally seen in ultra close-up as she sneaks in for a kiss.

She recently finished obedience training. So now I take her for walks (and not vice versa). She lies down when company is over and doesn't bother everyone. She also comes when I call her every time. I'm still working on teaching her how to fetch my ringing cell phone, do my math homework, and make me a sandwich. (Don't worry, I won't give up until she's mastered it all.) Even if you hate my dog, I know you secretly love my dog (in your heart of hearts, you know she's really awesome). Now I'm off to convert the rest of the world to "Nadra-ism" (does that make me a "Nadra-ite?")

Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From the Alpine School District

Before I actually get to the top ten list, I just want to say that I really do love my job. If you've spoken to me for more than 2 minutes, I've inevitably brought the subject around to my students/class/school.
Well, it just so happened that a couple of weeks ago, during a faculty meeting, we were given a few reminders about our conduct and possibly some duties that were being overlooked. The alarming part was that it seemed like every reminder had "you could get fired for this" attached to it. It seems one couldn't even take a sip of milk without offending some parent or other. We left the meeting a little disheartened. However, I felt my best way of coping would be to make fun of our rules and regulations a wee bit. Of course, this isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings (especially my principal who I absolutely adore), but I always feel it's healthy to laugh at ourselves. And even though there are many inside jokes here, I think you will still enjoy it. The humorous part is that these are all based on truth, and even some of the more off the wall items are quoted almost verbatim. Here you go:

Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From the Alpine School District

10. Put any personal items (pictures, music, movies, clips, etc) on your computer on loan from the district. Apparently, you'll need all your memory space for lesson plans and power point presentations. (Though I truly feel justified in having my entire music library on mine. Metallica is rich with real life applications for the young ones.)

9. Give a doughnut, cupcake, stick of gum, or half a lollipop to a student before lunchtime. (It seems that if children are unable to control their eating habits, ie saving it for after lunch, it is we the teachers at fault.)

8. Miss recess duties (I don’t care if you are going to pee your pants, get out on the playground!)

7. Teach Investigations . . . no wait, Traditionally . . . that’s not right . . . Investigations. You know, it changes so often, I’m not quite sure anymore.

6. Fail to send home immediately the Aspen Newsletter or any other note that is put in our boxes 3 minutes before the bell rings.

5. Not teaching your ELL kids that “the farmer is in the barn, the farmer is outside of the barn.” (You don’t have any ELL kids? That’s impossible, plus, even your fluent kids would love to know about the farmer and the barn.)

4. Let your students in the door early, or late (pretty much, there’s a 60 second window that equals no firing)

3. Touch student with a hand that is not flat (especially Mike, Mr. Disgusto!)

2. Allow a child to get hit by a car because you forgot bus duty (forget about the fact that the parking lot is huge and even if you were out there holding each individual student by the hand, there are still parents that drive like cartoons who are still just as likely to hit somebody, including you.)

1. Show up in the parking lot 30 seconds late (and remember: parents are out there and they are keeping track with their clipboards. If you’re late, you’d better show up incognito.)

Top Ten Ways to Make Dating Easier

10. Temporary loss of agency/free will

9. Mind reading capabilities

8. Regressing to cave-man mentality (just hit them over the head and drag 'em back to your cave)

7. More than 3 single men in our sphere of influence.

6. Evil men wear black, good men wear white, and lackadaisical men are simply drug out into the street and shot.

5. Men become less amoeba-like by growing vertebraes.

4. Getting dates like we get mission calls. Don't accept = straight to hell

3. Deodorant

2. Looser gun control laws

1. Universal blindness

Pain . . . Lots and Lots of Pain

I think I spoke too quickly. I was so busy being proud of myself for a Saturday filled with exercise and endorphins, (see the previous two entries if you have no idea what I'm talking about) that I didn't realize the punishment that my body was about to wreak upon me. We went to Stake Conference last night (which included a musical number directed by a very beautiful woman . . . me) and then the roomies and I caught "Kung Fu Panda" at the "absolutely ghetto" dollar theater. We went straight to the theater after Stake Conference, so we were looking like sugar mamas on the prowl. Anyway, to move the story along, after the movie was over, I found I was having an extremely rough time in my attempts at walking. Wendi even told me I looked like I was drunk as I stumbled out the double doors in my ultra-awesome purple synthetic alligator skin stilletos. The problem was that I couldn't walk any more gracefully (which I informed them) no matter how hard I tried. Anytime I put any pressure on my legs, they wanted to buckle.

Then, for ALL of last night, I tossed in my bed because my legs were aching so intensely (think throbbing meets stabbing). The only comfort I could find was if I lied perfectly still (not moving a muscle . . . get it?) which I could only do in about 30 minute increments.

So, help. If you have any tips on how to relieve this sort of pain (other than cutting my legs off at the hip, which is sounding more and more tempting) and how to convince my body that riding a bike for hours at a time is not purpose enough to bring about its own armageddon, I am open and ready for advice.

By the way, I don't want this entry to look like I am any sort of pansy or lightweight. I have a very high threshold for pain, just so you know.


And if you're wondering if I would bike again, knowing that this feeling awaited me, I would have to answer a resounding "Yes!" So take that.

Oops

Apparently, If you saw my last post, you might think I was shouting the last part. No, I'm still getting used to this whole posting thing. Oops.