Things I've Learned From Being Pregnant

I realized today that I haven't posted in this blog for ages.  One of the reasons for that is that I've been very busy with teaching my 5th graders (and my school drama club, and my school chorus, and making presentations for the school district, etc).  Other of the reasons is that I'm pregnant. 

If you are my friend and this news comes as a surprise to you, I'm genuinely sorry and you should probably check Facebook more often.

For some women, being pregnant is an improvement of their condition.  Their skin and hair are all healthy and glowing.  They are so hungry all the time, and can finally stop counting all the calories.  They are filled with a deep sense of fulfillment and feel completely energized.

I hate those women (and again, if you are my friend and this sounds like a description of you, I'm genuinely sorry, but I do hate you right at this moment . . . with all the love in my heart.)

Ever since week 4, pregnancy has been pretty miserable for me.  Now, I do not want to waste your time simply complaining about being pregnant.  I do realize what a huge blessing it is to be able to even have a child, after seeing many friends struggle with the inability to do so.  But I figure I can express my condition using my favorite medium, a top ten list.

Things I've Learned From Being Pregnant

10. If I'm out of bed, and I am dressed, consider yourself lucky.

9. Guys don't get it.  I love Jon, but I'm pretty sure he looks at this pregnancy as a really expensive disease.  The symptoms are multiple and just not so relate-able.  Like when I feel like my lady parts want to fall out of my body.

8. Pregnancy is a guaranteed "Get out of Jail Free" Card.  It's amazing.  If I do a crappy job at something, it's excused because I'm pregnant.  If I get angry at somebody and say something mean, it's ok because I'm pregnant. The only place I can find that it doesn't work is ward choir.  They still expect me to go.

7. Pregnancy also entitles me to as many foot rubs, back rubs, shoulder rubs, etc that I feel I require.  And Jon is so great, he doesn't even gripe. Sometimes I don't even have to beg.

6. Spending money on myself has always been fun.  But I've discovered it's even more fun shopping for someone riding around in my tummy.  I have to stop myself from buying toddler toys and supplies. Literally.  I was walking around Target yesterday and thought, "He'll need a toy box in his room. Wait, he'll need toys to put in his toy box. Wait, it will probably be a while before he can even grasp things with his hands."

5. Mascara can last for three days if I don't wash it off. Sick, right?

4. I now possess a "Super Sniffer."  I can tell all sorts of things using my sense of smell.  I can tell what you ate for the past couple of meals, whether you bathed today, and where the nearest chocolate is.

3. Pregnancy is the doorway to an emotional floodgate.  I have always considered myself an emotional person, but have found myself exponentially emoting. My favorite quote from Jon when he came home and just found me sobbing on the couch, "You are so pregnant right now."

2. If it is food and it has been cooked on my stove, it is not good.  It has nothing to do with  my ability to cook.  It simply has to do with my ability to eat what I cook.  Taco Bell and I have become fast friends these past few months.

1. I have the power to send people to a "special place."  For example, when Jon stole a few of my chicken Mcnuggets, I told him about the "special place" where husbands go who steal from their poor, sick, pregnant wives.  There's also a "special place" for people who cut me off in traffic, try to tickle me, make me go to work, tell me what to do, invite me to nice events . . . pretty much, if you've spoken to me, you're going there.

I would post a picture of me being pregnant on here, but none such photo exists.  I'm the photographer in the family and can't find a way to take photos of myself in a way that don't look like ridiculous facebook profile pictures (oh look, I'm taking a picture of myself in a mirror!)