How to Catch a Husband

I just returned from Oroville. Which would normally mean that there would be a top ten list about Orovillian society or some type of social commentary. However, I made a promise several weeks ago that I would post the companion to my previous entry. So here you have it ladies: the sure fire way to get a man's attention and keep it!

How to Catch a Husband (a 12 step program)

1. Leap before you look. Having most of your dates in the dark will help you feel much better about the guys who ask you out.

2. Love is a battlefield. Take his hand by force if you have to.

3. Hum a hymn if your date says something inappropriate. This will allow him to see how spiritual you are, especially if you hum it in the language of your mission. (It will also illuminate any musical talent, which is also impressive.)

4. Call him as many times a day as possible. Leave messages. Text him every hour on the hour. This will tell him that you love/stalk him.

5. Sometimes it's difficult for guys to see the positive qualities of your personality. Therefore it is helpful to act them out through the art of interpretive dance or puppetry.

6. Low cut shirts. 'Nuff said.

7. Offer to pay for everything . . . including, but not limited to, the ring. He needs to know that you are willing to support him for the rest of your lives.

8. Become the jaguar. Feel the jaguar. You are the jaguar. Guys dig the full frontal assault.

9. When in the company of other men, latch onto your man with a vice like tenacity (like an octopus grabbing its prey). Don't give him any suspicion that you might stray.

10. Ask for his help with everything. Become incapable. Boys like to feel that they are smart.

11. Touch them as much as possible in public. Using baby talk at the same time will let the world know who "my little pumpkin face" belongs to.

12. If all else fails, they still do arranged marriages in Tibet.


Happy hunting!