Officially Giving Up Younger Men

I'll admit it, I've been looking at online dating possibilities.
I know. You're ashamed, right? It's just that being 28 years old has opened my eyes to the fact that the majority of guys I've gone on dates with in the past few years have been quite a bit younger than I am. So, I'm broadening my horizons.
As I'm broadening my horizons, I thought it would be appropriate to share a top ten list I made a few months ago (when I was actually pursuing an older man).

Top Ten Reasons to Pursue an Older Man

10. I don't have to worry about paying his way through school.

9. He should already have a full set of pots, pans, and other kitchen supplies (which means the wedding reception would be gift card central!)

8. He has more emotional maturity than a turnip.

7. He won't mind my 40-year-old-esque body.

6. It's a good way to tick off my parents . . . really tick them off.

5. Because there's something a little "off" with all the younger ones.

4. He'll be fully capable of taking care of my massive backyard.

3. He comes from a generation where guys actually ask out (and spend time with) the girls they're interested in.

2. Because I'm tired of dating guys that just learned to shave.

1. It would be nice to actually know less than my man. (for both of us)

Top Ten Ways to Tell it's Christmas-time

I was considering leaving this post till a bit closer to the holiday. Then I realized, it's pretty close to the holiday. Our Christmas Sacrament Meeting inspired me with this list. And I have to say that regardless of the choir's poor practice, we sounded pretty awesome.


10. Hear the sounds of diets being broken all over the civilized world.

9. Men dig through their dressers, dusting off tacky red and green ties and socks with pictures of reindeer on them.

8. Teachers all over the country are searching for non-religious Christmas music (I mean "Winter" music) that is sure to not offend anyone. Just think of all those kids in San Diego singing song after song about snow, and never really knowing if it exists.

7. It's suddenly considered socially acceptable to sit on the lap of a middle aged sugar daddy with a round little belly (I tried doing that at the mall at times other than Christmas, and I got some really weird looks.)

6. Every singer in the world turns out a wholesome Christmas album (and you haven't lived until you've heard Ozzie's "Silent Night." He eats a dove at the end of it.)

5. Luxurious, inflatable creatures begin to inhabit local front lawns.

4. "The Christmas Story" is shown every hour on the hour on TBS, TNT, and AMC.

3. You just got punched in the face by an 86-year-old lady who wanted your "Tickle Me Jesse Ventura" doll.

2. White elephants threaten to over-run the work place.

1. For once, everyone takes a moment (even if it really is just one moment) to think about someone other than themselves.

So in case you don't hear from me before then, Merry Christmas everyone!

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For

The options for a Thanksgiving post were many, and varied. My favorite, though I didn't have the gumption to do it, was to re-enact the landing at Plymouth and the first Thanksgiving dinner (Michelle Rotar style) using a very large set of acrylic figurines and buildings (including 3 large tipis) that were given to me by my loving parents last year. I ran out of time on that one, unfortunately. Maybe next year.
So I decided on the runner-up, a top ten list. My top ten things I'm thankful for:

10. Make-up. Without it, I would feel like crap, as would everyone else who had to look at me.

9. The combination of pajamas, electric blanket, and 600 thread count sheets. It's my own little slice of heaven every night.

8. Men. As much as I complain about them, they're definitely on my list of "favorite things" (insert humming in Julia Andrews-esque behavior).

7. Dessert. Yep, that ranks higher than men.

6. Music. My own universal soul healer. A little bit of Aerosmith, a little bit of My Chemical Romance, and little of New Kids on the Block, with a dash of Michael Jackson thrown in = bliss.

5. Movies. Without them (or men), I would have nothing to talk about.

4. My house. It's mine. . . it's all mine!! Mwah-ha-ha!

3. My students. They add variety and all sorts of weirdness to my everyday existence. God bless them!

2. My friends (even all those people on facebook who consider themselves my friend, but I've only spoken to them once).

1. Duh, my family. That includes my dog. We might be relatively small compared to Utah family sizes, but we're mighty (mighty funny, that is!)

So, now I'm heading out to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt and Uncle's in Brigham City. And yes, writing this blog is going to make me ten minutes late. I hope you thought it was worth it!

In Honor of My 28th . . .

I turned 28 today. I know, big move from 27. I felt that the best way to commemorate this event was to create a top ten list of movie quotes that I feel best represent this stage in my life. And, if you can identify every quote, it probably means we're best friends.

Top Ten Quotes to Represent Being 28

10. "Do you understand the words that are comin' out of my mouth?"

9. "I'm not Josie Grossy anymore!" (dedicated to anyone who knew me in Junior High)

8. "Attitude reflect leadership, captain."

7. "Ugh, I've been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get some hot water, get some iodine!"

6. "You'll have to forgive me, my brain has gone to pieces."

5."Eating a steady diet of government cheese while I'm living in a van down by the river."

4. "Sexy American Girlfriend!!!"

3. "I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite."

2. "I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way."

1. "I love it all! I love it, I love it, I love it! Every second of it, every second of it!"

Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From the Alpine School District

Before I actually get to the top ten list, I just want to say that I really do love my job. If you've spoken to me for more than 2 minutes, I've inevitably brought the subject around to my students/class/school.
Well, it just so happened that a couple of weeks ago, during a faculty meeting, we were given a few reminders about our conduct and possibly some duties that were being overlooked. The alarming part was that it seemed like every reminder had "you could get fired for this" attached to it. It seems one couldn't even take a sip of milk without offending some parent or other. We left the meeting a little disheartened. However, I felt my best way of coping would be to make fun of our rules and regulations a wee bit. Of course, this isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings (especially my principal who I absolutely adore), but I always feel it's healthy to laugh at ourselves. And even though there are many inside jokes here, I think you will still enjoy it. The humorous part is that these are all based on truth, and even some of the more off the wall items are quoted almost verbatim. Here you go:

Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From the Alpine School District

10. Put any personal items (pictures, music, movies, clips, etc) on your computer on loan from the district. Apparently, you'll need all your memory space for lesson plans and power point presentations. (Though I truly feel justified in having my entire music library on mine. Metallica is rich with real life applications for the young ones.)

9. Give a doughnut, cupcake, stick of gum, or half a lollipop to a student before lunchtime. (It seems that if children are unable to control their eating habits, ie saving it for after lunch, it is we the teachers at fault.)

8. Miss recess duties (I don’t care if you are going to pee your pants, get out on the playground!)

7. Teach Investigations . . . no wait, Traditionally . . . that’s not right . . . Investigations. You know, it changes so often, I’m not quite sure anymore.

6. Fail to send home immediately the Aspen Newsletter or any other note that is put in our boxes 3 minutes before the bell rings.

5. Not teaching your ELL kids that “the farmer is in the barn, the farmer is outside of the barn.” (You don’t have any ELL kids? That’s impossible, plus, even your fluent kids would love to know about the farmer and the barn.)

4. Let your students in the door early, or late (pretty much, there’s a 60 second window that equals no firing)

3. Touch student with a hand that is not flat (especially Mike, Mr. Disgusto!)

2. Allow a child to get hit by a car because you forgot bus duty (forget about the fact that the parking lot is huge and even if you were out there holding each individual student by the hand, there are still parents that drive like cartoons who are still just as likely to hit somebody, including you.)

1. Show up in the parking lot 30 seconds late (and remember: parents are out there and they are keeping track with their clipboards. If you’re late, you’d better show up incognito.)

Top Ten Ways to Make Dating Easier

10. Temporary loss of agency/free will

9. Mind reading capabilities

8. Regressing to cave-man mentality (just hit them over the head and drag 'em back to your cave)

7. More than 3 single men in our sphere of influence.

6. Evil men wear black, good men wear white, and lackadaisical men are simply drug out into the street and shot.

5. Men become less amoeba-like by growing vertebraes.

4. Getting dates like we get mission calls. Don't accept = straight to hell

3. Deodorant

2. Looser gun control laws

1. Universal blindness