How to Snag a Wife

Several of my good friends have found their spouses using online services. I have yet to determine if that is the route for myself. Instead, I found myself pondering whether anyone can meet and fall in love the old fashioned way: a club to the head (go cavemen!).
No, I was cleaning out some papers (my house is starting to look gorgeous, by the way, what with all the cleaning I've been doing), and I came across some lists I'd made a couple years ago. I read them over and they made me chuckle, so I figured I'd share them. I'll post one today and the next in a week.


How to Snag a Wife (*A 12 step program)

1. Girls love a good competition. When you're with a girl, you should point out (and possibly whistle at) other, more attractive women.

2. Roll your eyes when she talks. let he know she'll have to work to keep YOUR attention.

3. Quote every Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Zach Galifianakis/Will Ferrell movie you know. This will show her who the funny one in the relationship is.

4. Tell her what you are good at . . . often. Alphabetized lists can be quite helpful.

5. Women love a challenge. Whatever you do, don't tell them what you're thinking. Girls like to try and read minds. Besides, what would they have to to talk about with their pals in the bathroom if you were open?

6. Quote the scriptures to her daily (preferably in every conversation). This will show her that you have the stronger testimony and will be the spiritual director in the relationship.

7. Cry as often as you can. Women love men who are extremely sensitive and sentimental. The more you can be like them, the better.

8. Be sure to let them know, right up front, what your phsical expectations for them are. . . that way, they can start exercising immediately.

9. Whatever they do/say/think, let them know that you have done/said/thought that way before them (and in a more effective manner). Women need guys who are in charge of the world.

10. Call her "Mama." Chicks love that.

11. When you meet her family, if they say anything that could be considered remotely offensive, you have every right to throw rotten citrus fruits at them.

12. If you and your chick disagree. Just moo like a cow. This will shut her right up and let her know that you want her to lose some more weight.


So go, try them out! And let me know how that goes for you, alright?

I'm a Mormon and I Love My Life!

It's Easter Sunday, and I'm sick. Most likely just an awful cold that I'll get over this next week. I've been wanting to do an entry like this for a while, but never could find the time to sit down and say exactly what I wanted to say.

Thank goodness for colds.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been "LDS" all my life and I have been extremely blessed. Easter is a great time to think about my Savior, Jesus Christ, who is the director of this great work on earth. It is because of Him that we will all have the opportunity to return to live with Him and our Heavenly Father someday. How blessed I feel with this knowledge of a Heavenly Father and Savior who love me and know me personally.

I don't smoke, drink alcohol, and I believe in abstain

ing from sex until marriage. But those are just a few aspects of my religion. I also believe in being kind to others and showing charity to friends and strangers. I believe in honesty and acting with integrity at all times (even if the outcome would be less desirable). I believe that marriage is a sacred union, one not to be taken lightly. I know, that makes me quite the freak in the eyes of this world.

But guess what. I don't care.

In a time when people are scrambling around, desperate to know the answers to life's greatest questions, I know exactly why I'm here. I'm here to learn, to receive a physical body, and live a worthy life wherein I become the best person I can be and help others to do the same. Have I reached perfection? Nope. Do I plan on it? Nope. I know there was only one perfect person to live on this earth, and that was my Savior, Jesus Christ. However, I CAN dedicate my life to following His example and doing my best to become like Him. That is all that is asked of me. Seems pretty reasonable.

I feel that members of my religion come under a lot of scrutiny. More so than most other religions. You might feel this is deserved. I mean, we have the audacity to send representatives of our church out to tell other people about our faith (that was my sarcastic voice. See? Not perfect just yet!). I order to understand why we do this, let me ask you a few questions:

Have you ever gone to a store where the service and goods were superb?

Or eaten at a restaurant where the food was extremely delicious?

Have you ever read a book that you just loved? Maybe you even found it to be life changing?

Our first instinct is to tell people about great things that happen to us. I can't tell you how many times I've made recommendations to friends based on great experiences I've had. So, when I have access to a religion that I know provides many answers to heart felt questions, and is organized in the same way Jesus Christ established when He was on the earth, and has been the source of so much happiness in my own life. . . I'm going to tell people about it. I'm going to tell everyone about it. Shoot, I'm even going to blog about it.

The truthfulness of the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been confirmed in my heart time and time again. To deny what I KNOW to be true would be to deny all that I am and all that I hope to be.

And yeah, there are a lot of haters out there. A lot. And they are welcome to their opinions, just as I'm welcome to mine. I do get a little upset when the haters take their ignorant assumptions and try to tear down my faith. I've been a member of my faith for 3o years. I know a thing or two. Probably a lot more than someone who looked at a couple articles online and jumped to some pretty hasty conclusions based on the hasty conclusions someone else came to.

I'll end by telling you my conclusions. That my Savior, Jesus Christ, rose from the dead, and it is because of this miracle that some day all of us will be resurrected. That Jesus Christ Atoned for my sins, and the sins of everyone on this earth, and that by following His example, we can someday return to the presence of our loving Heavenly Father.

For more information on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, please visit mormon.org

My Chemical Romance!

My favorite band is My Chemical Romance.

There. You see? You just made a snap judgement. Stop that.

No, I'm unabashedly interested in this band, and I don't look or act like the "typical" MCR fan. They came to Salt Lake City last night and performed at "The Venue." The place is so small, and I was so close (I mean, really, any place is close in the Venue) I could have chucked my cell phone at any member of the band.
The concert was amazing! There are really no Stephanie Meyer-esque adjectives to describe the experience or the performance. (Gerard Way's vocals were like velvet?) Kristina, my friend Rachel, and myself waited in line in the chill Utah air for about an hour. The types of people we saw really spanned the gamut. From gals wearing fluorescent tutus to guys with more piercings than I have limbs, and the age spectrum was all over the place. Some parents brought their kids, but most teenagers were just dumped off on the sidewalk.
Anyway, I don't feel you're interested in a play by play of the evening, so I will simply record the various realizations I had during the concert:
1. I am totally attracted to men with charisma. That's probably why I dig actors so much, because they command a stage. It's brilliant! However, my eyes did not just drift to Gerard Way (as I thought they would), but I was very impressed with Ray Toro (the guitarist) as well. He smiled so many times through the show.
2. I would be friends with Ray Toro.
3. If you want to jump up and down in a crowd like that, you must all jump up and down. It stops working if the people you are pressed against don't want to jump.
4. I was the only one (not a parent) that was wearing a watch on the floor.
5. Non-conformists will do anything the band tells them to do. And they'll do it all together. And they'll do it happily and excitedly. Ha! Gotcha!
6. Mosh pits that form around me turn me into a violent, angry sort of person. I was so mad with the pressing and pushing crowd already, that I punched a guy in the back after a girl next to me got trampled by their stupid moshing.
7. I love the band, I dislike most of the fans. I felt it was kind of like the feelings I have for snowboarders. I will tolerate their presence, but they'd better not be rude or cut me off, or that is it!
8. Some people are dumb enough to take their elementary aged children to a concert like this. Poor form, people.
9. This is a great band live. I've heard so many artists and bands really suck it up when they don't have all the fancy equipment to make their voices sound on key. These guys were fantastic.
10. Singing my favorite song ever, "I'm Not Okay," at the top of my lungs, while reaching out to My Chemical Romance, who is 15 feet away from me, while jumping in sync with the gal next to me, and sweating like I do after an hour on the stair climber, feeling like I'm sitting in a hot tub, and looking in a similar fashion, was some of the best 3+ minutes of my life.

So. . . you should like My Chemical Romance. They're a nice band.

It Must Be Said: Aspen Elementary is the BEST!!!

Life as a school teacher has been a bit stressful this month so far. In order to understand this stress, you must know a little of the history of our school. About 10 years ago, we had principal after principal after principal who sucked big time. We're talking being involved in various scandals and illegal behaviors. Needless to say, our school was labeled as a bad school because of it. For the past six years (at least. That's how long I've been there) we've been trying to rebuild the community's confidence in us.
Now, fast forward to March. Our principal informs us that people are moving into the area, but they are taking kids to other schools because they've heard about Aspen Elementary's reputation. Bogus! Thus, in order to build confidence, public relations, and in general remind people that we are amazing teachers, the principal planned activities throughout the month. We've had school wide read-a-thons, dress up as your favorite literary character day, Parent Day, Spirit Day, and tonight we had a pizza party/read-athon/teacher talent show for the community. Not just the kids in our school, but everyone else too.
Apparently the PTA didn't expect such a turnout, because we must have had over 600 people there (I'm sure much more), and the pizza ran out pretty quickly. Our principal (the amazing Brad Davies), in a desire to motivate the students, ran a marathon (of his own design and desire) around the neighboring cities, ending at our school during the party. The entire school and families were outside the building, cheering him on as he ran up the school drive. I won't lie, my eyes got a little misty. And then, after running over 26 miles (he had been running for the majority of the day), he still stopped and gave a tv interview and talked with so many students and parents. This is the day that I realized I have Superman for a principal.
After he arrived, we started the talent show. It was pretty fun and really short. I was originally planning on participating in three skits (out of six total), but cut my solo because we were already half an hour over time. It was epic. We started off with a small faculty group doing "Stomp" (which involved some very rhythmic choreography and carefully timed soundings of school items). To finish off the talent show, Jenn Fletcher, Randa Mortensen, Jessica Lux, and I did a synchronized swimming routine on stage (I was inspired by my ward variety show) wearing swimsuits over our t-shirts, shower caps, and underwater goggles. It was amazing.
Moral of the story: Tonight I realized how awesome my job really is. It's been stressful planning for all of these different things, but we all pulled together and made it a success. Public education at its finest.

Top Ten Things I Love About My Parents

I love my parents. They celebrated their anniversary this past month. My dad called me the day after to let me know I hadn't called them on their anniversary. I told him that anniversaries have never been a big thing to me, which hurt his feelings a little, I think. So I figured this could be a great way to make it up to both my mom and my dad, who have both had a huge hand in making me the well-adjusted individual represented digitally before you.

Top Ten Things I Love About My Parents

10. They go all out for the holidays. Especially Christmas. Even though it's really a LOT of work and they don't have the patience or mobility they had 20 years ago, they are always willing to make the house look amazing for the family (and friends) to enjoy.

9. I love how Mom will constantly surprise me by watching some of my favorite shows with me. It all started with various Jane Austen movies. However, I usually bring home a different series every time and Mom watches them with me. She's enjoyed "Arrested Development," "Vicar of Dibley," "Flight of the Conchords," and "Big Bang Theory."

8. My dad is a born leader. Being the eldest in his family probably helped a little, but being a marine, a sheriff, a lawyer, and so many other roles, Dad is always willing to step up to the plate when others hang back. Even if you don't agree with him, my dad is someone who people are genuinely intimidated by. Until they get to know him and realize how absolutely gigantic his heart is.

7. I love how much they push. Granted, I didn't always appreciate it. But looking back on high school and college, they gave me motivation to succeed when it would have been so easy to give up. I never would have stuck with playing the piano without them, and I'm eternally grateful for that.

6. They love to play. There are certain games I'm guaranteed to play if I go home. Among these are Yahtzee, Phase Ten, and Chicken Foot Dominoes. It's always cut throat. And it always ends with everyone ganging up on Dad (he totally has it coming).

5. My parents are avid readers. I know my love of reading comes from them. There have been many afternoons when all three of us are lying on different couches reading from our books, and alternately napping as appropriate.

4. I love how much they care about animals. People think I'm kind of a freak about pets, but meeting my parents puts it all in perspective. Dad once called the dog "Son" on accident.

3. Dad always gets to say the prayer. It doesn't matter what prayer, whether it's for a meal, or family prayer, or whatever, it's automatically assumed that Dad gets to pray.

2. My parents have so much faith in me. Much more than I do in myself. A few years ago, when I first got into community theater, Dad told me that I should think about Broadway and ask my voice teacher if I had a chance. He won't remember saying it, but I'll never forget how my dad told his college educated, elementary school teacher daughter to give it all up and look into acting.

1. Sincerely, they are the MOST generous people I know of on this earth. I've mentioned it before, but I don't think people in my home town are even aware of the secret and special acts of service my parents are responsible. They're definitely instruments in the Lord's hands. Most recently, my dad buzzed his hair as a fund raising effort for his local Rotary club.

The Joys of Camping!

Every year I get to go camping in the snow with my fifth graders. I love it. It's crazy tiring, but the kids have such a good time, I can't help but love it.
However, this year was a little interesting. It started the week before when life got a little strenuous. I won't go into details, but let it suffice that my mind was on several things at the same time. I didn't even pack for camping until the night before. It was around 10 o'clock at night when I tried to get everything together.
This was apparent by the next day, when we arrived at Clear Creek Camp and I started to unpack. Here are the things I forgot (you may determine the importance):
-toothbrush
-towel
-gloves
-hat
-fire wood (for our nightly campfire)

However, all of my makeup made it into the suitcase, along with hair supplies (curling iron, hairspray, thermal setting spray, split end repair, etc.). And I took complete outfits for every day I'd be there (three days= three ensembles)
Day one, I used paper towels to dry myself off from my shower.
Day two, I used my "Jem and the Holograms" sweatshirt.

We borrowed firewood for our first night's campfire and, after teaching the boys how to build the perfect fire, one of the dad volunteers dumped diesel fuel onto the logs to ensure a good blaze. At first I felt this was cheating, but I was willing to go along with it because the winds were crazy and the fire pit was covered in ice with several inches of snow.
With the gals, I was all excited because the wind had died down and nobody would be telling me that I had to pour diesel fuel in order for it to work. I built the fire up, it was burning awesomely. 5 minutes later, it was a pile of coals. I try again, start from the beginning. Get a fantastic blaze going that burns for 15 minutes before it goes to poo. By this time, all of the girls have arrived at the campfire and I'm supposed to lead songs and stories. I ask the other teachers to help out. One throws a log on (which would accomplish nothing), and the other pokes at it with a stick causing the entire structure to fall over. For the next 40 minutes we sang songs while two of the mom volunteers blew on the coals with minimum results.

Moral of the story: I might be a failure at campfires.

Things That Make Guys Hot

So, I was watching "Stardust" with several friends last week, and I was overcome with how easy it was for a very homely man to become an extremely studly man. Or at least more studly than he was previously. I realized that there are several things that men can do that will make me instantly attracted to them. And since there are so many men out there who are just chomping at the bit to know what to do to appear more attractive to me, here you go. A helpful list, just for all the men out there. (P.S. This is not a top ten list, because I think there are way more than ten things that make a guy hot.)

1. Play an instrument (other than the organ).

2. Drive a motorcycle and be willing to give me rides.

3. Sing . . . well. I've said it before and I'll say it a thousand times more. If a guy sings well, I am instantaneously attracted.

4. Sword fighting. Not fighting on the lawn of a BYU quad, rather fighting on stage. However, offering to fight with me onstage during a date at a restaurant is not desirable either. There's a fine line with this one.

5. Be comfortable around kids. Yay for good dads! Or uncles! But not grandpas.

6. Ride a horse. Viggo in "Lord of the Rings," Viggo in "Hidalgo," or really Viggo in just about anything. That's it, be Viggo.

7. Use a whip. Get your brain out of the gutter, I'm talking "Man From Snowy River" style. My roommates and I used to watch and rewatch some choice scenes.

8. Be confident. NOT ARROGANT! But confident. A guy that's comfortable in his own skin is extremely attractive. A guy that assumes most women are attracted to him, not attractive at all. In fact, arrogance usually kicks in my mean sarcasm mode as I feel compelled to take the man down a peg or two.

9. Be nice to animals. This one sounds a little weird, I'm sure, but how a guy treats animals is indicative of how he will treat other helpless, innocent things/creatures/beings.

10. Be well-read. Guys who are intelligent are hot. Having an intelligent conversation with a man is requisite. If there is one thing that is a huge turn-off, it's having to explain my vocabulary on a date.

Actually, this did turn into a top ten. Which is just fine with me. If I think of any other amazing things (which of course, I will) I'll be sure to post them.