I'm Not Josie Grossie Anymore!

Or maybe I am, just a little. . . still.
When I first saw the movie "Never Been Kissed" and the character of Josie Gellar in high school, I thought I was looking at a recording from my middle school years. I was Josie Grossie back then,with my hair hanging in clumps and my bangs covering my right eye.
I'm willing to admit this because I feel like I've come a long way since then.
At least I did until just recently. You see, I went to a masquerade ball this last weekend. It was a lot of fun last year (I blogged about it then) and I decided I wanted to find an amazing gown for this year's ball. I ordered it online to be custom built to my measurements. And I wanted it dark green.
When the dress arrived, it was not even close to dark green. In fact, this odd green/red combination was a bit hideous to me at first. Also, I had asked for cap sleeves, and got puffy ones instead. When I put it on, the first thing I thought was "Oh no, this is Josie Gellar's dress." I then had to look it up on the internet to make sure I was thinking about her dress correctly.
I was.

The ball was a ton of fun, mostly thanks to Andy who was such a gentleman despite my lack of ballroom dancing finesse. My friend, Ruth, had been taking pictures during the ball, and she showed me them afterwards when we all went to eat at IHOP.
From the angles she took the photos from (usually the front), I was horrified because I thought I looked like I was wearing an 80's prom dress.
Luckily, when I got back home and looked at my pictures of the evening, I was consoled. Though I still see similarities.














Moral of the story? Masquerades are fun and it's nice to grow up. At least a little.

Ok, Top Ten Things Dates Have Done to Tick Me Off!

So, my friend Carol had a brilliant idea. I've gone on enough dates to have some real doozies! Though I will admit, dating stories are the most interesting. I apologize if you are guilty of any of these heinous actions against me. Consider it payback! (Don't worry, I still love you!)
(Even though these will sound like I might have made them up, know that they are all legitimate!)

Top Ten Things Dates Have Done to Me (Resulting in Me Being Made Extremely Upset)

10. Ask me to go miniature golfing.

9. Order a crazy amount of food at the restaurant and then eat hardly any of it (when I was
paying for dinner) and then order dessert.

8. Ask me if I could ever love him (he was addicted to Porn, I found out later).

7. Ignore me the entire night, and spend it instead staring at his ex-girlfriend.

6. Show up looking like he had just dragged himself from a heap of dirty laundry.

5. Play country music to and from the date (the unforgivable sin!)

4. Try to get me to commit a misdemeanor (I didn't do it. Don't ask!)

3. Tell me how much he really liked one of my good friends and was thinking of asking her out.

2. Get upset at me for being late, even though I was picking him up (and I had apologized
profusely)

1. Leave the doorstep without kissing me like a mad-man.

Top Ten Ways to Tick off a Date

Like all women, there are some dates I go on out of obligation. But not any dates I've gone on with you. I promise.
I don't know about any other gals reading this, but I have a hard time saying no to dates. I was raised to be kind and sensitive to others' feelings, which translates to me normally being pursued by men on the psycho/stalker side of life. Anyway, I've decided that there are a few simple steps a girl can do to ensure that she never gets asked out on a second date.

Top Ten Way to Make Sure You Don't Get A Second Date

10. Wear a turtleneck.

9. At dinner, chew your food with your mouth open and comment on how your ex boyfriend's cooking is so much better tasting.

8. As you walk next to each other, constantly kick your date's legs out from under him. Tell him this is due to "leg Turret's."

7. During the movie, call your mother and ask if her wedding dress is still available.

6. If at any time he tries to touch you, purr and rub your head against his shoulder or ankle.

5. Ask him if he'd like to help you put together your 1000 piece Edward Cullen Twilight puzzle.

4. At some time during the date, yell out "This man is not my father!" and try to run away.

3. Cry

2. Any time he's not looking at you, take something out of your purse and throw it at him.
(Those leather wallets can leave quite a welt).

1. At the end of the date, instead of a kiss or hug, you should hip-check him off the porch. Adios!

So there you have it. May all your dates be first ones.

Things I Learned From Being Home for the Holidays

I love being home. It's my sanctuary. And when I refer to home, I'm talking about my parents' house in Oroville, California. As interesting as Oroville is, my family is ten times more so. It is in honor of my family that my latest Top Ten list is written:

Top Ten Things I learned from Being Home For the Holidays

10. Even though friends can be separated for months at a time without speaking, when placed together again, it’s as though they were never apart.

9. It is impossible to eat until one explodes. (“I’m pretty sure we eventually have to stop eating.” and “I cannot do chips and salsa. If I try, I’m pretty sure I’ll bust at the seams and vomit all over you.”)

8. If you run out of Henry Weinhard’s Root Beer, it’s perfectly acceptable to drive all over town looking for some more.

7. The holidays would be much nicer with a man (other than my brother and father). Sadly, I was in Oroville.

6. Christmas morning can be just as enjoyable if all three people sleep in till they feel like getting up.

5. No matter how much time you plan on having at home, it’s never enough to get everything done.

4. Even though nieces and nephews can be picky about food, if it tastes good, they’ll eat it . . . until it’s completely gone (kind of like roommates: if it’s left out, it’s fair game).

3. Marital status and number/age of babies determines rank in bedrooms. I slept on some couch cushions on the floor.

2. The Chico Mall is really small. Really. I was there for twenty minutes and was completely done with visiting all stores that were not Spencer’s, Hot Topic, and Wet Seal.

1. The nice people at the airlines will try really hard not to laugh when you attempt to check in at the airport on the wrong day.

An Exciting Christmas Gift!

Every year, I know my parents struggle to know what to buy for me. Which boggles me a little, because I always know what to buy for myself.

However, knowing that there is always a bit of confusion, and knowing that they don't appreciate wish lists and don't want me to have any idea of what I'm getting for Christmas, I made sure this year to drop a "not so subtle" hint.

I called Dad up one day and in the course of conversation, informed him that I was really excited because I had found a camera that I wanted at Costco and that I could easily save up the money to buy it. I told him the make, cost and location of said camera all in the guise that I would take several months to save up enough money to buy it (and no, it wasn't really that expensive of a camera, I exaggerated to him how long it would take me to get it, in hopes he would get it for me for Christmas).

Christmas morning comes and after a cursory glance under the tree, I decide that there is no camera underneath it.

Imagine my surprise when I open up a package and find not only the camera that I requested, but one vastly superior. I wanted one with a 10x zoom. I got one with a 24x. I wanted one that was 10 megapixels, and got one that was 12. I wanted one that was a Lexmark, and I got one that is a Nikon. I love my parents.

I've been so excited about using my camera and experimenting with all the different settings. I'm quite a nerd about it actually. I mean, my camera actually has a setting for taking pictures of fireworks, specifically.

Moral of the story? All of my friends with camera experience/knowledge are hereby requested to impart any/all knowledge of digital photography (i.e. shutter speeds, aperture, exposure, etc) as I am now ready to make my own knowledge match my excitement.

The Difference Between Men and Woman (a Q & A Session)

So recently, in my singles' ward (for those of you of a different religion, I go to church with a bunch of other single people in the hopes I can find me somebody to love. . . insert Queen song) we had a presentation given by our stake presidency on how to communicate better with people of the opposite gender. In order to give this presentation, we were supposed to fill out a survey answering the following questions:

1. What is the best thing about the opposite gender?

2. What is one thing you would change about the opposite gender?

3. What is one question you have about the opposite gender?

4. What is one thing you wish the opposite gender understood about your gender?

5. What relationship question do you have?

Unfortunately, I was sick on the day we got these surveys, but I was able to attend the lesson a week later. The lesson itself was great. It really focused on communicating as opposed to the oft used "Men, date the women more. Women, flirt more with the men" speech that I'm so used to. And it didn't solely focus on dating relationships, but on all relationships (work, school, etc)

At the end of the lesson, our teacher gave us a compilation of the answers from men who had turned in the survey (minus their names, of course). The men were given the women's answers. I feel it is my duty to answer some questions posed and respond to some of the allegations put at the feet of women everywhere. And since I speak for all women, this should be good:

(these are actual questions asked by real-life men and the answers I've given are surprisingly sincere. So, if you're expecting a lot of sarcastic remarks, you'll be a bit disappointed.)

Q. What's the best signal to look for that you're genuinely interested?

A. Smiling. When I'm around someone I'm interested in, I can't stop smiling. If the girl you want is frowning a lot, I'd say take it as a sign brother!

Q. How do you talk to them (ask them out)?

A. Also, no rocket-science to this one either. Talk to us like human beings. Don't brag or go on and on about yourself all the time. I've been on dates where I felt like I had to hit the guy in order to get a word in. Don't put yourself down in front of us, unless we're already pals and I know better than to take you seriously.

Q. What do they say about us while going to the bathroom in "packs?"

A. Most of the time, nothing at all. Sometimes it's just a chance to check in the mirror and make sure we haven't turned into the creature from the Black Lagoon. We also talk about makeup, nieces/nephews, our dogs, and a myriad of other topics. If we do talk about you, it's usually nice. Though, if you've been awful, it is a good time to vent and get it all out of our system so we can go back and get through the rest of the date. But that's only happened to me a couple of times.

Q. Why are 99.9% of you crazy? As in not right in the head?

A. Now, this one actually offended me a little. I'm not going to say that all women are wonderful, sensible beings who always have other people's interest at heart. That would be pretty stupid. However, all I can say is that if the only women you've come into contact with are crazy, it's time to find a new dating pool. Yeah, if the only gals you're attracted to look like vain, selfish girls, most likely they're going to be vain, selfish girls that assume all men are in love with them.

If truth be told, I think men have it easy when it comes to the dating world. Women are so much more forgiving when it comes to physical appearance and personality "flaws." A guy pal of mine recently told me that his roommate was interested in a cute gal, but upon finding out she was a picky eater, lost all interest in asking her even on one date. Even on this survey, a guy said, "To be honest, and not trying to be mean, guys are initially attracted to the physical appearance of the girl, and if a girl seldom gets asked out, it may be that she has a few things of her physical appearance she needs to work on."

'Nuff said.

Sick is the new Cool

So, I'm sick.

Again.

To those who I see daily, this should be shocking because it seems as though I've spent the majority of the last two months being ill.

Apparently, I just can't get enough. It would appear that I love being sick.

Top Ten Reasons Why Being Sick is Only For the Coolest of Individuals:

10. It gives my dad and I something to talk about:

Mish: Dad, I'm feeling sick.

Dad: Have you gone to the doctor? What if it's the swine flu? You know that kills people right? Promise me you'll go see a doctor this instant.

(ten minutes later)

Mish: Dad, it's ok. It just feels like a bad cold. A doctor wouldn't be able to do anything for me anyway.

Dad: Mish, listen to your father. You need to get it checked out. Do you need money? I'll send you some money if you need it to go to the doctor.

Mish: No, I'm fine. . . (conversation ends, twenty minutes later, with Mish promising to see the doctor the following day)

9. I always knew I was hot. Now I have a thermometer to prove it.

8. As one of my pals pointed out, coughing fits are excellent exercise for one's abs.

7. Being sick encourages my roommates to do nice things for me. In fact, just this evening, Kristina bought me a can of Lysol so I could disinfect the couch I've been inhabiting. (true statement)

6. I can catch up on all the miniserieses (how in the world would you spell that?) that I haven't had time to watch because I was trying to be social and stuff.

5. I have now become as scary and intimidating as my Rottweiler. In fact, if someone were to try to break in, and saw me, they'd run off thinking that I was going to chase after them and bite them.

4. I hear that the effects of a fever breaking can resemble a young, vibrant glow.

3. It takes talent to ooze out of various orifices. . . simultaneously.

2. My Star Trek dinner glass is mine. All mine. I don't have to fight for it, now that it's been "contaminated."

1. Fever-induced hallucinations are the new frontiers of imagination. Why just last night I had a fever dream that was insane. I dreamt that I was at school, but my principal had hired a substitute for me. The sub refused to leave and we were both trying to teach the class at the same time. Those subs.

Anyway, I sit here on my newly detoxified couch hoping that you and yours are feeling in good health.