Ok, Top Ten Things Dates Have Done to Tick Me Off!

So, my friend Carol had a brilliant idea. I've gone on enough dates to have some real doozies! Though I will admit, dating stories are the most interesting. I apologize if you are guilty of any of these heinous actions against me. Consider it payback! (Don't worry, I still love you!)
(Even though these will sound like I might have made them up, know that they are all legitimate!)

Top Ten Things Dates Have Done to Me (Resulting in Me Being Made Extremely Upset)

10. Ask me to go miniature golfing.

9. Order a crazy amount of food at the restaurant and then eat hardly any of it (when I was
paying for dinner) and then order dessert.

8. Ask me if I could ever love him (he was addicted to Porn, I found out later).

7. Ignore me the entire night, and spend it instead staring at his ex-girlfriend.

6. Show up looking like he had just dragged himself from a heap of dirty laundry.

5. Play country music to and from the date (the unforgivable sin!)

4. Try to get me to commit a misdemeanor (I didn't do it. Don't ask!)

3. Tell me how much he really liked one of my good friends and was thinking of asking her out.

2. Get upset at me for being late, even though I was picking him up (and I had apologized
profusely)

1. Leave the doorstep without kissing me like a mad-man.

Top Ten Ways to Tick off a Date

Like all women, there are some dates I go on out of obligation. But not any dates I've gone on with you. I promise.
I don't know about any other gals reading this, but I have a hard time saying no to dates. I was raised to be kind and sensitive to others' feelings, which translates to me normally being pursued by men on the psycho/stalker side of life. Anyway, I've decided that there are a few simple steps a girl can do to ensure that she never gets asked out on a second date.

Top Ten Way to Make Sure You Don't Get A Second Date

10. Wear a turtleneck.

9. At dinner, chew your food with your mouth open and comment on how your ex boyfriend's cooking is so much better tasting.

8. As you walk next to each other, constantly kick your date's legs out from under him. Tell him this is due to "leg Turret's."

7. During the movie, call your mother and ask if her wedding dress is still available.

6. If at any time he tries to touch you, purr and rub your head against his shoulder or ankle.

5. Ask him if he'd like to help you put together your 1000 piece Edward Cullen Twilight puzzle.

4. At some time during the date, yell out "This man is not my father!" and try to run away.

3. Cry

2. Any time he's not looking at you, take something out of your purse and throw it at him.
(Those leather wallets can leave quite a welt).

1. At the end of the date, instead of a kiss or hug, you should hip-check him off the porch. Adios!

So there you have it. May all your dates be first ones.

Things I Learned From Being Home for the Holidays

I love being home. It's my sanctuary. And when I refer to home, I'm talking about my parents' house in Oroville, California. As interesting as Oroville is, my family is ten times more so. It is in honor of my family that my latest Top Ten list is written:

Top Ten Things I learned from Being Home For the Holidays

10. Even though friends can be separated for months at a time without speaking, when placed together again, it’s as though they were never apart.

9. It is impossible to eat until one explodes. (“I’m pretty sure we eventually have to stop eating.” and “I cannot do chips and salsa. If I try, I’m pretty sure I’ll bust at the seams and vomit all over you.”)

8. If you run out of Henry Weinhard’s Root Beer, it’s perfectly acceptable to drive all over town looking for some more.

7. The holidays would be much nicer with a man (other than my brother and father). Sadly, I was in Oroville.

6. Christmas morning can be just as enjoyable if all three people sleep in till they feel like getting up.

5. No matter how much time you plan on having at home, it’s never enough to get everything done.

4. Even though nieces and nephews can be picky about food, if it tastes good, they’ll eat it . . . until it’s completely gone (kind of like roommates: if it’s left out, it’s fair game).

3. Marital status and number/age of babies determines rank in bedrooms. I slept on some couch cushions on the floor.

2. The Chico Mall is really small. Really. I was there for twenty minutes and was completely done with visiting all stores that were not Spencer’s, Hot Topic, and Wet Seal.

1. The nice people at the airlines will try really hard not to laugh when you attempt to check in at the airport on the wrong day.